• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
• They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
• Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
• Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
• In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
• The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
• Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

• Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
• Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
• Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
• Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
• The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a natureist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
• The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in human history.

“In North Dakota, doctors removed a man’s testicles only to find out later that the procedure wasn’t necessary. The man thought about suing but decided not to because he doesn’t have the balls.”

“Yesterday, a policeman in Pennsylvania broke up a robbery at a Dunkin’ Donuts. When he was congratulated on the successful stakeout he said, `What stakeout?’”

“It’s Halloween and it’s also Fashion Week here in New York. So there are a lot of people walking around the city looking like skeletons.”

“The New York City Transit Authority is going to begin installing electronic signs in subway stations. Apparently, they’ll feature messages like, `Hey, that ain’t water you’re standing in.’”

“For the first time ever Macy’s has hired a woman to be their Santa Claus. Parents are warning their kids — “You better watch out, you better not cry, ’cause Santa’s got PMS.”

“A New York City official is in trouble for calling in sick, everyday, for two years. He claims he had a 24-hour bug 730 times in a row.”

“Here in New York a 14-year-old girl was arrested for punching her teacher in the face. When asked why she hit her, she said `I had to, I forgot my gun.’”

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux were embarassed to find lackluster sales when they used the following slogan in an advertising campaign in America: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.  Zesty!

Coke in China? The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect.  The Coca-Cola corporation then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.” Much better.

That’s One Amazing Soft Drink. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”  Whoops.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

The old Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.” in Chinese. Whoops.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.” Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

“A new study by the American Medical Association shows that having sex does not trigger a heart attack — it’s getting caught having sex that triggers the heart attack.”

“A new study shows that three quarters of all Americans are overweight. In fact it’s so bad, three quarters of all Americans are now 9/10ths of all Americans.”

“New statistics show that last year the number of murders in the U.S. fell by 8 percent. Unfortunately, that may not be accurate since the number of pollsters murdered went up by 25 percent.”

“A new study reveals U.S. students have very little knowledge of American history. In fact, test scores are the lowest since the Lincoln-Nixon debates.”

“In a new survey, 50 percent of teachers said today’s biggest problem is that students get incorrect information from outdated textbooks. The other 50 percent said they’re not aware of a problem, but they’re sure the Nixon administration will resolve it.”

“Seventy percent of school principals think uniforms would cut down on violence. After all, look what they’ve done for the post office.”

“The Iowa Caucus is next week and 26 percent of the voters are undecided. Not about the candidates, about living in Iowa.”

“93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond said that he’s still mentally sharp and he’s running for re-election. Isn’t that nice. He also said that President Lincoln is doing a terrific job.”

“According to Nature magazine, scientists have discovered a powerful appetite suppressor. It’s actually a naked picture of Newt Gingrich.”
“In a recent interview, 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond says he does 50 minutes of exercise every morning. Actually, it’s what other people call getting out of bed.”

“Over the weekend, Dan Quayle said that when he’s a little older he may run for President. He said, `Either that, or become a cowboy.’”

“Because their population has leveled off, the President of France is urging French women to have more babies. In a related story, tourism in France is up 800 percent.”

“In an upcoming TV movie, President Clinton is going to play the part of the President of the United States — only because they couldn’t get Colin Powell.”

“Bob Dole announced that he is going to pick a running mate who’s younger than he is and that he hasn’t ruled anybody out. Isn’t that kind of redundant?”
 
“Last week a dermatologist was called in to look at blotches on President Clinton’s face. It turns out the blotches were just McDonalds special sauce.”

“Lamar Alexander said he’ll quit the race if he doesn’t beat Bob Dole in the Florida primary. Which will be tough, because polls show that most people in Florida think Dole is a `good kid.’”

“Today, 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond received a standing ovation for becoming the oldest congressman ever. Unfortunately, during the ovation he changed into his pajamas and wandered off into the highway.”

“The Fox network announced they’re going to be offering the
presidential candidates an hour of free air time. They’re going
to call it `America’s Least Wanted.’”

“To protest the treatment he’s received, Republican candidate Alan Keyes is going on a hunger strike. After hearing this, President Clinton said, `The Republicans and I are further apart than I thought.’”

“In a recent interview, Sonny Bono said 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurman should retire because quote, `He’s run out of gas.’ In response Thurman said, `Hey, the one thing I haven’t run out of is gas.’”

“Today, Disney announced that they’re buying the California Angels. They also plan to change the team name. The new name will be the `Disney Owns Everything Angels.’”
 
“Erik Menendez is claiming his original lawyer Robert Shapiro gave him bad advice. Apparently, Shapiro forgot to tell him to win the Heisman trophy.”
 
“A player from the New York Knicks was arrested last night after punching a police officer. The Knicks aren’t worried though, because the cop missed both free throws.”
 
“Here’s a strange story. In Denmark a kitten has been born with fluorescent hair. Apparently, Dennis Rodman really does get around.”
 
“The big rumor right now is that NBC is going to cancel the XFL as soon as the season is over. You laugh and stuff but this news comes as a blow to XFL fans, both of whom are very upset.”

“I read today in the paper that the Pope was a soccer goalie in his youth. Apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop people from scoring.”

“Next week Geraldo Rivera will be doing a live show from Bosnia. My God, haven’t those people suffered enough?”

“In an interview, Lisa Marie said Michael behaved like a scared little boy in the bedroom. Then she realized it was a scared little boy and that Michael was in the bathroom.”

“Robert DeNiro is rumored to be engaged. Apparently, she proposed and he said, `Are you talking to me?’”

“Since Elvis’s death, believe it or not, the number of Elvis impersonators has increased from 100 to 7500. Meanwhile, the number of female impersonators married to Elvis’ daughter increased by one.”

“Yesterday, O.J. Simpson called an LA radio station. He didn’t win any money though because the phrase that pays was `I did it.’”

“The Department of Energy is about to approve a new fuel that’s half water and half gasoline. Not only is it better for the environment, but Ted Kennedy says it’s great with tonic.”

“O.J.’s lawyers say that he won’t be able to testify in the civil case this week because of a scheduling conflict. Apparently, this is the week that he was planning on telling the truth.”

Over the weekend, Michael Jackson won best male artist in the MTV European Music Awards. Apparently, Europe’s definition of male is much more lenient than ours.

“It was reported today that George Washington grew hemp. Apparently he said, ‘I cannot tell a lie … This is really good stuff.’”

“The Beatles anthology is airing this week. It’s six hours long. It was supposed to be eight hours, but Yoko came in and made them break up early.”

“Earlier tonight, “20/20″ showed footage of Hugh Downs having knee surgery. Let’s all just pray that he never has problems with his prostate.”

“Yesterday, for the first time ever, Tom Brokaw wore glasses while delivering the Nightly News. Apparently, he decided to wear them because the day before, he opened the news by saying, `Good evening, I’m Tim Brickman.’”

“William Shatner turns 68 today. You can tell he’s getting old, even his toupee is going bald.”

“It was reported today that the Unabomber blames his mother for the way he turned out. Apparently, she used to say things like, `Go to your room and start working on your manifesto.’”

“At the end of an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Demi
Moore does a striptease. The good news is that Barbara Walters
doesn’t.”

“A spokesman for Madonna said she plans on giving birth to her child in New York. Apparently, MTV will cover the birth on a live special called `Unplugging Madonna.’”

“In a recent interview, Charlie Sheen said he heard a voice telling him his five-month-old marriage wouldn’t last. The voice also told him to pay in advance.”

“It was reported today that Cindy Crawford will get paid a million dollars to write a book telling women how to look beautiful. Her first tip, don’t hang around Cindy Crawford.”

“A woman in California is in trouble for posing as Michael Jackson’s wife. After hearing this, Lisa Marie Presley said, `I already tried that, it doesn’t work.’”

“A former stripper Charlie Sheen dated rated him as only a five in bed. On the bright side, Gene Siskel gave him a thumbs up.”

“In a recent interview, Luciano Pavarotti’s wife said his affair with a 26-year-old woman could lead to a painful and dangerous situation. Especially if he’s on top.”

“In a recent interview, Ann Landers said that when she’s reviewing all the mail she receives, she can tell immediately which ones were sent by psychotics. They’re the ones that start off with, `Dear Ann, I’m a big fan of yours.’”

“McDonald’s announced they will be adding 25 percent more beef to their hamburgers. As a result, McDonald’s hamburgers will now feature 25 percent beef.”

“The postal service is coming out with a new James Dean commemorative stamp. Apparently, you’ll be able to choose whether it’s the young handsome James Dean or the old pork sausage guy.”

“The world’s biggest condom maker has launched a campaign on the Internet to teach proper condom use. Apparently, their first suggestion — Turn off the computer and go find a girlfriend.”

“Good news … this Thanksgiving the FDA has approved pills that help you lose weight by making you feel full. The recommended dosage is 5000 pills a day.”

“According to the Police Department, there’s a new gun in New York that looks like a cigarette lighter. The only problem is if you want to shoot someone you have to go outside.”

“Montel Williams will be appearing in a new public service announcement in which he tells kids that drugs aren’t the answer. Unfortunately, he’s talking about the drug Rogaine.”

“There’s new computer software out that will name your baby for you. So far the most popular boy’s name is `insert disk.’”