“I read today in the paper that the Pope was a soccer goalie in his youth. Apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop people from scoring.”

“Next week Geraldo Rivera will be doing a live show from Bosnia. My God, haven’t those people suffered enough?”

“In an interview, Lisa Marie said Michael behaved like a scared little boy in the bedroom. Then she realized it was a scared little boy and that Michael was in the bathroom.”

“Robert DeNiro is rumored to be engaged. Apparently, she proposed and he said, `Are you talking to me?’”

“Since Elvis’s death, believe it or not, the number of Elvis impersonators has increased from 100 to 7500. Meanwhile, the number of female impersonators married to Elvis’ daughter increased by one.”

“Yesterday, O.J. Simpson called an LA radio station. He didn’t win any money though because the phrase that pays was `I did it.’”

“The Department of Energy is about to approve a new fuel that’s half water and half gasoline. Not only is it better for the environment, but Ted Kennedy says it’s great with tonic.”

“O.J.’s lawyers say that he won’t be able to testify in the civil case this week because of a scheduling conflict. Apparently, this is the week that he was planning on telling the truth.”

Over the weekend, Michael Jackson won best male artist in the MTV European Music Awards. Apparently, Europe’s definition of male is much more lenient than ours.

“It was reported today that George Washington grew hemp. Apparently he said, ‘I cannot tell a lie … This is really good stuff.’”

“The Beatles anthology is airing this week. It’s six hours long. It was supposed to be eight hours, but Yoko came in and made them break up early.”

“Earlier tonight, “20/20″ showed footage of Hugh Downs having knee surgery. Let’s all just pray that he never has problems with his prostate.”

“Yesterday, for the first time ever, Tom Brokaw wore glasses while delivering the Nightly News. Apparently, he decided to wear them because the day before, he opened the news by saying, `Good evening, I’m Tim Brickman.’”

“William Shatner turns 68 today. You can tell he’s getting old, even his toupee is going bald.”

“It was reported today that the Unabomber blames his mother for the way he turned out. Apparently, she used to say things like, `Go to your room and start working on your manifesto.’”

“At the end of an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Demi
Moore does a striptease. The good news is that Barbara Walters
doesn’t.”

“A spokesman for Madonna said she plans on giving birth to her child in New York. Apparently, MTV will cover the birth on a live special called `Unplugging Madonna.’”

“In a recent interview, Charlie Sheen said he heard a voice telling him his five-month-old marriage wouldn’t last. The voice also told him to pay in advance.”

“It was reported today that Cindy Crawford will get paid a million dollars to write a book telling women how to look beautiful. Her first tip, don’t hang around Cindy Crawford.”

“A woman in California is in trouble for posing as Michael Jackson’s wife. After hearing this, Lisa Marie Presley said, `I already tried that, it doesn’t work.’”

“A former stripper Charlie Sheen dated rated him as only a five in bed. On the bright side, Gene Siskel gave him a thumbs up.”

“In a recent interview, Luciano Pavarotti’s wife said his affair with a 26-year-old woman could lead to a painful and dangerous situation. Especially if he’s on top.”

“In a recent interview, Ann Landers said that when she’s reviewing all the mail she receives, she can tell immediately which ones were sent by psychotics. They’re the ones that start off with, `Dear Ann, I’m a big fan of yours.’”

“Harvard graduates.. so what can you expect out there in the real world? Let me tell you. As you leave these gates and re-enter society, one thing is certain: Everyone out there is going to hate you. Never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to Harvard. In most situations the correct response to where did you to school is, “School? Why, I never had much in the way of book larnin’ and such.” Then, get in your BMW and get the hell out of there…You see, you’re in for a lifetime of “And you went to Harvard?” Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it’s, “And you went to Harvard?” Ask the guy at the hardware store how these jumper cables work and hear, “And you went to Harvard?” Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it’s “and you went to Harvard.” Get your head stuck in your niece’s dollhouse because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it’s “Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard!?” (Read more at Conan’s Commencement Speech to Harvard).

(5 votes, average: 4.6 out of 5)

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“After hearing the president’s speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush’s deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, ‘Huh?’” – Conan O’Brien

“In a prime time speech last night, President Bush said that he was sending in 20,000 more troops to end the war. He wasn’t talking about Iraq. He was talking about the war between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.” -Conan O’Brien

(12 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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